Mad Magazine's Rules For Tech Support

1.      Voice mail options are to be changed every Monday to ensure that
cus-tomers must listen to ALL the endless options before being able to make
a choice.  NOTE:  Be sure to put "Speak to a tech support team member" at
the very end of the list, right after, "If you need to order an instruction
book in Mandarin, press 202."

2.      If the customer is calling with a software problem, immediately
blame their hardware.

3.      In order to maintain good customer relations, only put a caller on
hold if you're taking a 15-30 minute coffee break.  If you're taking a full
lunch hour, take their number.  Then throw it away and wait for them to call
back.

4.      If the customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately
blame their software.

5.      Remember: To the customer you're a god, a genius who's I00 times
smarter than they are. Feel free to talk down to them.  NOTE:  Don't worry
about answering questions from computer savvy nerds.  Since they don't call
Tech Support, you'll never have to answer a question you can't fake your way
through.

6.      If you have no idea what the customer's problem is, simply tell
them, "You obviously don't have the latest upgrade."  Then instruct them to
search for it on the Web -- that'll keep them busy for months.

7.      If it turns out a customer is calling with a valid problem that you
already know about, say: "you've never heard of that happening before, but
I'll ask a senior engineer.  Please hold." Then, after your coffee break,
come back on the line and give vague, confusing instructions on how to fix it.

8.      AOL is the official scapegoat for any hardware or software problems
a customer may experience.  AOL has screwed up so much over the last two
years that anybody will accept AOL as the cause of their problem -- even if
they don't have AOL.

9.      Always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they're
using.  When they name the third one, immediately blurt out "Oh, there's
your problem.  That program isn't compatible with ours."

10.     As an absolute final resort:  Tell the customer that an upgrade that
will fix everything will be available in two months.  This will bug us
enough time to work hard to update this excuse list.