T = Tech Support,  C = Customer

 *******************************************************

T: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
C: "Ok."
T: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
C: "No."
T: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
C: "No."
T: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
C: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech
support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop  from giggling
when I got back to the call.)

T: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
C: "I have done something dumb, right?"

 *******************************************************

C: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
T: "Tell me what you've done."
C: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
T: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
C: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
T: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
C: "What?"
T: "Did you buy MS word?"
C: "No..."

 *******************************************************

T: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
    the 'OK' button displayed?"
C: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*******************************************************

C: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
T: "What exactly is the problem?"
C: "I can't open the box."
T: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
C: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

*******************************************************

C: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
    old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command
    or file name'."
T: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and
    type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

T: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
C: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
T: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help
    but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L
    and hitting the Enter key?"
C: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad
    command or file name'."
T: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L
    and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
C: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
    key...  does that matter?

*******************************************************

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

C: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
T: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
C: "What is that?"
T: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
C: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

*******************************************************

And the best for last!!!!

C: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
    and now my A: drive won't work."
T: "Your A drive won't work?"
C: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
    my drive, now it won't work at all."
T: "Did it not install properly?  What kind of error
    messages did you get?"
C: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
    drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried
    to get it out. That didn't work either."
T: "You did what sir?"
C: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
    wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
T: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
C: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
    turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
    that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't
    believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
T: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used
    pliers to pull the disk out?"

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other techs to listen in.

T: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
    what you just said?"
C: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
    out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
T: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
    the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
    eject button?"

Silence.

T: "Sir?"
C: "Yes."
T: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
C: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
    going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
T: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
    company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't
    follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek
    professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on
    how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour
    butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
C: "Ummmm."
T: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
    every call and have it on tape?"
C: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
T: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
    Have a nice day."